field notes: lemonade out of lemons

Lessons learned & connections earned from a disappointing night out

Welcome to field notes, my casual blogging platform within my Substack Messy Dialectic. If you are looking for refined essays and discourse, check here for the latest posts. If you love rambling, brain dumps, and chit-chats about life experiences, then continue reading on.

A couple of weeks ago, I decided to finally have a much needed night out. I took a break from my current stresses (which were moving, my awful neighbors, and apartment management) and went to a late night art exhibit opening and a lil dance event afterwards that was conveniently behind the art venue.

On the surface, everything kinda seemed like it was going to be a perfect night. I’d be able to see some folks who are within my writing community, and then I’d be able to head straight to the dance’s event space conveniently located right behind the art exhibition and release some of those piled on stresses through movement. Combined with the restorative two hour nap I took prior to the event and the fact that my brand new disco-boots fit perfectly, I had some pretty high hopes going into the evening.

However, the night was anything but perfect.

I don’t know how to describe it, but the energy on the art gallery opening ceremony just was… hmm. It felt like the exhibit itself was laid out in a way that didn’t allow for all of the art pieces to connect for me as an art enthusiast. Like, I was struggling to grasp what was supposed to be connecting the fashion, paintings, and photography together due to how they were strewn about in different rooms and hallways. It just wasn’t clicking for me.

It also didn’t help that during the artist talk (which I didn’t know was on the table for that evening), the setting didn’t really feel intimate in a way that would be conducive for a warm art gathering due to the way the main room was spatially laid out. I donno, you’ll have to trust me on it. I don’t know how else to explain it.

To be completely honest, I did flee the scene the second I got the chance (aka after the artist chat and after looking around at the pieces once more), but before that, I was able to talk a bunch with my writing gworls and that was really fulfilling. I hadn’t seen them in a while due to a November recess with our meetups and then I was too sick to make October’s sesh, so it was so nice to see them again (especially since it’s the first time I’d seen them since my revolutionary birthday camping trip). It was nice to catch up but also to socialize, which is something that I had been lacking since I’ve been too stressed about my sleep deprivation and also about the moving process and its logistics to go outside much.

Funnily enough, I was able to acquire another +1 to the dance event (one of my friends from the exhibit decided to tag along!), making it a full night of newness for me, and after I left the exhibit with my friend, we ditched our coats and waited in line with my husband.

This is where the night continues to go down a spiral.

The event (a warehouse-esque party in collaboration with adidas) was slated to begin at 9pm, and at this point in the story, it’s around 9:30pm. I’m getting lots of secondhand smoke and with the way it’s mixing with the free champagne that I got from the art exhibit, I began to, as the youth say, “crash out". It was honestly just frustrating being that intoxicated at that point yet still waiting outside in the freezing cold for something that, at this point in the story is now 9:45pm!

I made a fuss about it—and was maybe speaking way louder than I realized, I blame it on the juice—and earned some giggles from the people in front of and behind us in line. Honestly, it created a funny comradery that helped the time to pass, but also allowed moments for me to connect further with the friend who tagged along from the art exhibit. It was like the struggle (standing in the freezing cold waiting for an event that was an hour late to open its doors) was connecting us further in that moment, and after a while I kinda didn’t mind.

After we finally made it inside, and were one person away from grabbing some “limited-edition” adidas (boooo), we assessed the atmosphere and decided that it wasn’t really for us. It was giving highschool dance, with folks dancing with their adidas shoe boxes and swaying with laces tied around their necks, free shoes just dangling in the air. The venue, again, wasn’t great, and there were too many cameras to feel comfortable and excited about the night ahead.

Stop Televising the Discotheque

After a few fist bumps, all three of us decided to part ways for the night, with my art gallery friend continuing her night at a different bar, and my husband and I continuing our night with a friend who these days is like the little sister I wish I had. She invited us to a cozy bar/event space that was having a gaming night that exact same night. Anything felt like a great excuse to continue the rambunctious night that I was excited to have (and continuously failing to have), so we drove ten minutes away and met her and her friends there.

While the hubs parked, I met with my friend and her old childhood friend, and I felt so warm, cozy, and accepted. Both of them were so stylish and we even took some selfies, and it just felt nice to see my friend in an environment that we haven’t connected in yet. It felt like I was traversing new territory in the connection of our friendship and it was really exciting. My husband joined us, and we all went and also met the partner to my friend’s friend, and it was awesome. It wasn’t anything extreme or jaw-dropping per say, it was just that it was nice to connect with others in a way that I never really have before. This is the kind of adventure that I didn’t have in college due to me having never truly fit in enough to be accepted in academic settings. It made me feel like I was expanding as a person and ushering into a new state of being. I think I’ll expand more on this feeling a different time.

But yeah, we spent a lot of time just speaking and learning about one another. We all ordered pizza from the nearby late night pizza joint (I was so hungry I thought I was going to die at this point in the night) and it was all just a comforting, cozy experience in the cold of the outdoors.

As it got later in the night, we all decided to go our separate ways and head to our homes, and with that, my husband and I headed to the house to end our long night, and I spent that night and the next few days just processing the night that I had just had.

As a chronic perfectionist (I’m a double-Virgo, sue me), I have a habit of expecting things to go exactly as I’ve planned, so long as the plan is solid enough. When the plans are shaky, I give them more space and freedom to be less than perfect, but if the conditions seem right, I set my sights very high.

However, if you’ve read this far, then you can probably tell that that night was less than perfect. The art exhibit was meh, the dance event was blah, and I ended up going to a bar to meet people who I was not prepared mentally to meet. The night had several touchpoints of uncertainty and disappointment that just made me more and more anxious with each venue hop, and it was veering away from the perfect night out that I had planned for.

But something incredible had happened that night. I had connected with the people around me. My husband and I went out for the first time in a long time and were able to get away from all of the moving stresses, I was able to see my writing community again and see them in a different environment than I’m used to seeing them in and we got to catch up and talk about a lot of stuff, I got to see my bestie again for the first time in months and I got to meet a long term friend of hers and we were able to visit a spot that she really enjoys, and at the end of the day, I got to connect. I got to connect on a deeper level with so many of the people who I care about, and I felt a closeness that made me remember how worth it human connection is.

And no, I don’t mean that I’m barely learning how valuable friendship is or anything like that. I mean the value in the simplicity of hearing about how someone else’s life is, and just having them ramble to you for who knows how long. The value in hearing about someone else’s struggles and empathizing deeply with them. The value of dealing with something challenging with someone else, and then mutually planning out situations that work better for one another even if those are two different things.

All of these other faces of the human experience are just so enriching and so underrated and vastly outweigh the sentiments that friendship, community, or even relationship should be this constant pathway to your own personal fulfilment with continuous dopamine hits to your own list of desires.

I found the give-and-take of that night to be so delightful, it was like dancing conversationally with those who I care for (and those just met) to find a medium that felt comfortable to waltz through. It was so delightful and exciting and I hope that others enjoy spending time in this gray area of relationship, where maybe you are not taking as much as you’d like from someone, but seeing their joy and mutual appreciation for what you are doing for them fills you with enough contentment to pour into them with a certain patience about the rate at which your own cup is filled by them.

I know that’s a hard ask in today’s current climate of 50/50 this and conditional love that, but right now I implore you to at least dance a little with the natural give-and-take of relationship. Feel deeply into the notion of reflecting the love you seek onto others, and examine how that feels and where that takes your relationships with those who you love and care for the most.