field notes: post-vacay depression & the power of the pivot

the rumors are true, nature really is as healing as science claims it is.

Welcome to field notes, my casual blogging platform within my Substack with love, tiara. If you are looking for refined essays and discourse, check here for the latest posts. If you love rambling, brain dumps, and chit-chats about life experiences, then continue reading on.

So, I’m back from my first ever vacation and I have so many thoughts. For context, I went on vacation in Wimberley, TX at one of those cute lil Getaway cabins for my birthday. I didn’t expect to be so woo’d by the scenery of the Texas Hill Country as a born-and-raised Texan, but wow. It was just so stunning. Maybe it was the vacation air speaking, maybe it was the way the sunrays hit the trees, maybe it was the Sagittarius moon eclipse that lit our evenings (we are both Sag moons so the divine timing was hittin!), maybe it was the gorgeous hillsides (ok it was definitely this), but man it was stunninggggg.

My husband and I went for three four days. It was supposed to be a three day trip but once we had gotten to day two, I just realized that I needed another day. I felt like I was on the brink of a huge mental breakthrough and leaving the next day didn’t feel right. I toiled over it for several hours before finally throwing in the towel and giving in to what I truly needed, wanted, and deserved: more time. More time to sink into all of the feelings, more time to process the shitty, grief-filled year I’ve been going through, and more time to just be. So I extended my trip for an extra day of bliss and it was perfection.

I know that a lot of people go on camping trips with plans to set intentions and be completely tech-free and read hella books and all of that, but I didn’t really do that. Prior to this, I had only gone camping with my elementary school’s 5th grader program and with girl scouts, so I wanted to have this fresh experience of camping just as an individual unaffiliated with a program before assigning rules. I just wanted to take the experience as it was, and that I really did.

I sank into the semi-limited signal I had and mainly used my phone for talkin’ to my girls (hey friends! I know ya’ll are reading), engaging with some of my books, and also just letting my mind wander to wherever it felt it needed to. What I learned was that I really needed to slow down and be more precise and intentional with living my life. I really needed to move at my own pace and stop getting so swept up in the rushed lifestyle that capitalism tells us that we have to adhere to. I needed to allow myself to go for what I wanted without there needing to be a “need” and have more bravery and courage to do precisely what I wanted with my life.

No more wasting my time doing shit that I clearly didn’t want or that clearly didn’t work for me (like applying for in office 9-5 positions when I know I have a chronic illness that would make that very challenging and worsen my condition) and instead shifting to having patience and working towards things that are more in my favor (like spending my time applying or creating opportunities that allow for freelance/hybrid/fully remote work).

An example of being patient for what you want, especially when there’s no microwave and you’re starving and the only way to nourish yourself is with methods that take a lot of time.

In the forest I learned that having what you truly want takes time, and it’s so much worse to just force it and end up with an quick outcome that could harm you versus just sitting the hell down, being patient, and working hard on the reality you actually want (because going back to the job example, all of the months I spent doing what I call job-application-benders and sending out 100+ job applications really could’ve been used to enhance my freelance portfolio and social media page so that I could attract the clients that I’d like to have so that I could live the remote work lifestyle that I crave so much).

It was such a worthwhile experience and I have honestly been forever changed by it. I can’t even imagine being miserable the way I have ever been in the past again because I feel like I’ve learned too much to ever go back to my prior state of being. I feel like I healed and patched up so many parts of myself. I feel like I got what I needed out there, and am really sad that so many people who could also benefit from this experience may never be able to due to time or resource constraints. I hate that this sort of thing isn’t more accessible to everyone.

Another trippy thing was the amount of joy and happiness that I felt. Not that I shouldn’t or couldn’t be so happy about a camping trip, but it’s more the realization that this is my happy place and a thing that can make me happy. I also had never felt so satisfied in my entire life until this camping trip. I was fully content with just staring outside for hours, reading, talking with my husband, and slowing down. It was all very new for me and so, so fulfilling.

Things that I feel are societal conventions of happiness and enjoyment have never really rung true for me. Partying, drinking, and even drugs have all been things that I have engaged in (begrudgingly so in some cases) because I donno, I just thought that those were the makings of enjoying life (especially as an adult). It felt like everyone else was having a lot of fun bar hopping or staying up late to party or consuming as much of their desired substance as possible that I felt something had to be wrong with me because nothing I did truly made me happier. It had just never occurred to me that my dissatisfaction with doing these things that society says will make me happy meant that maybe I should look towards other things. Maybe I should experiment and just do different things and accept what is truly not for me.

It took this experience for me to see that those things are just not for me. I didn’t need to escape myself or my life or my situation, I just needed nature. I just needed to do something different than the norm (especially as a Black woman) and find something that was more my speed. Of course I still plan to go out to party a couple of times a year (although these days I do it more sober than anything because my brain is friedddd from substances), but now I finally have the answer that I’ve been looking for. If I’m seeking true happiness and satisfaction that makes life feel like it’s worth living for, I’ve got to go into the woods. I finally have a button that I can just press when I’m feeling blue and seeking joy and it feels so good.

In retrospect, now that I’m back from vacation and I look at myself in the mirror, I can really tell that I needed every ounce of that experience. I’m covered in crazy deep tan lines, my eyes look more rested and clear, my body feels way less tense (save for the soreness from the long ass drive). I can literally see in the mirror how much better I feel, and I can’t believe that I didn’t take a vacation sooner.

On another note, I genuinely can’t believe that no one, and I mean no one in my life told me that I needed a vacation. I can’t believe that none of the loved ones in my life thought to tell me, “Damn girl, you are so stressed/going through it/fuckin’ miserable/a lil off your rocker/in dire need of some healing and could use a vacation.” Not to put the onus or responsibility on anyone in my life of course, but I feel like the tension in my face and body were the cries for help that I couldn’t identify in my own reflection.

But to be honest, if I couldn’t identify that level of stress within myself, then maybe no one truly realized how stressed I was from the outside. Maybe I was masking a lil too well to the point where I even fooled myself.

So, what now? Well, I’ve still only just gotten back from my experience. I’ve been really depressed as my constant dopamine hits of nature have come to a close and I’m back to living a normal life (crying as often as needed has been very helpful for moving through this readjustment).

I have a lot of cabin learnings to integrate into my city slicker lifestyle so that I can proceed in a space of joy and love for myself and my life. I’m going to be less rigid and black and white with life and understand that the gray area is where the life of my dreams exists. I’m going to make a concerted effort to move intentionally in the directions that I actually want to move in life and not feel so pressured by what I “should” be doing. I’m going to have the courage to live my life as I feel I should live it, because I am finally recognizing that I have always known exactly what I’ve wanted, I’ve just been too scared to commit to it.